It's been a year and a half since my last post, a eulogy for my younger step brother who passed far too early. He was the baby of his clan, and the best of his siblings.
I think it's past time I caught everyone up on all the other massive changes that have occurred in my life since then.
Over the last three weeks I've been having weird dreams. I'm lost or I've lost something, and I'm scrambling to find my place. Last night I was attending a convention in Japan and somehow got lost on my way to the hotel room. No one spoke English, and I couldn't read any of the signs. (Side note: I've always been able to read in my dreams, though it's been said that most people can't. But I cannot read Japanese in real life or my dreams apparently!)
In May of 2023, I left a high stress, full-time position in my company for an on-call job that relieved me of a mountain of responsibility. I was only able to take the plunge because my wife's state-paid care provider had decided to retire. After months of attempting to locate a replacement for her, we finally decided that I could do the job just as well and probably better. So I registered with the state, she officially 'hired' me, and I began providing care for my wife to supplement my on-call position at the day job.
I'm telling you, the commute is a pain. Roll out of bed, and there I am at work. Sheesh! Traffic is horrible!
With a decent savings account and a ton of PTO that I hadn't been able to use, I was able to get through the rest of the year with minimal damage to my income. Unfortunately, I didn't quite make enough hours to retain my medical insurance. The wife and I scrambled to get everything covered (new glasses, dental surgeries, prescription transfers, etc.) before the end of the year.
At one point in the dream, I trudged through three foot high snowdrifts...in sandals. But I didn't feel cold, so frost bite wasn't a concern. It was night and I saw the glow of a well-lit area over the next berm ahead. I knew that if I kept along this path, maybe veered toward the left, I would return to the hotel again. I wasn't quite in familiar territory, but I knew that if I could find a certain street with certain businesses, I could reorient myself myself and reach my destination.
I had been screwing around with a novel prior to the chaos, and eventually completed Chained Destinies (available now at Bella Books!)
Last year started pretty well, in that I had finally gotten used to not being on constant alert for call offs, emergencies and insanity from supervising a security department. Unfortunately, the pool-status position didn't give me as many hours as I'd hoped. (People still think downtown Portland is a war zone after the pandemic protests, go figure.) My savings had been a boon the previous year, but I preferred to not drain it before retirement.
In the way of dreams, I found myself in a series of Japanese shops. Not the high end Shinjuku shopping district with bright neon lights and multiple floors of tech. These were small, family-owned businesses that created their own products, master crafters displaying leather goods and straw brooms, felted hats and homemade foods. At one point, I discovered myself on a bench in a tiny shop. The shopkeep didn't understand my words, but knew I was lost. Using gestures, he had me wait and left to get help.
So I transferred into another department which guarantees me twelve to sixteen hours a week (exactly what I need,) and is flexible enough that I don't have to worry about ditching if there's an emergency at home. Whew! It's been a learning curve, but I really enjoy the position and work with a great team.
In the meantime, Bella accepted Chained Destinies for publication. After a few weeks of editing and approvals it was ready to go. It came out in May. If you're interested in a superhero-ish tale, minus the tights and capes, check it out!
Then I did a weird thing... I started another book. Wild, huh? Writing's been hit and miss over the last six months, but I've slowly inched my way back to the more productive process that I'd abandoned in 2017 after publishing Alaska Bride. The work-in-progress is currently titled Eclipse of Shadows and is about two thirds completed.
I waited forever for the shopkeep to return. He never did. Impatient, knowing my wife needed me at the hotel, I stepped out of the shop onto a promenade with more upscale business storefronts. Apparently, I was closer to the hotel than I'd thought. It loomed above me, with this shopping mall an intrinsic part of the bottom floors. I left his shop and entered the mall.
Back in 2017 I was burnt out and heading into that high-stress position at work. As the primary bread winner of the family, I had to prioritize the regular paycheck. TFG was beginning his first circus, and the monkeys were banging on the bars. I chose to stop writing to focus on my emotional and mental well-being. The world seemed headed for flames, and I needed to prepare.
Now it's 2025. The hope and joy of three months ago has been dashed. TFG has been inaugurated into the White House again, and he set his monkeys loose upon the world years ago. Despite our efforts and complaints, legacy media and billionaires prefer chaotic headlines and tax breaks to human decency. Chaos reigns.
I traveled through a couple of shops, seeking the exit into the hotel. Did I find it? No idea. I eventually drifted to consciousness, awaking in my bed with the sound of my cat demanding breakfast. But regardless of the seemingly unsettling sensation of being lost, I felt...well. No lingering uncertainty, no wistful concern.
I've had time to heal from the stress of a world gone insane, round one - pandemics, protestors on the property, nightly doses of teargas from the nearby federal building, increased violence on the city streets, a fascist in authority.
In 2017 I was lost. Not anymore. Regardless of what happens in the real world, I'll continue creating. Break time's over. Chaos cannot be allowed to reign. As in my dream last night, I don't know if I'll find my way...
But I'm confident that I'll make it there in the end, whatever that end may be.
